In the past eight months, I have had to make more "Big Girl Decisions" than I have in my whole life. Let me assure you, most of them have been far from easy. Naturally, prayer has been a huge part of the decisions that I have made, and looking to the Lord for guidance has helped me to feel at peace with my decisions.
By far the biggest decision of them all happens to also be the most recent one. That would be the decision to NOT be placed as a Young Life leader in the Columbia Area. People who know me pretty well would say that this is the last thing they expected from me coming into college. I had a plan: a plan to come to the University of South Carolina and be placed as a Young Life leader where I would serve and pour myself out for the next four years. However, we all learn sooner or later that God has this crazy way of wrecking the plans we fabricate in our minds and leading us down his own path.
I don't know if I could give you one specific reason that I've decided not to become a YL leader. For me, it was more of a tug on my heart and a prayerful journey asking the Lord to reveal his path for me. During leadership training they talk a lot about how it is normal to be fearful of becoming a leader. They encourage you to do the hard the thing. To take the step of obedience, outside of your comfort zone, and commit to being a leader. For me however, the uncomfortable scary thing was actually NOT becoming a leader. It was all I had known and prayed about for the past year and a half. How was the Lord going to call me in a different direction? As crazy as it sounds, I knew it was a step of obedience I had to take. When I first started to realize that being a young life leader was not in future, I did not want to accept it. Fear of losing my community, my friends, and my identity slowly started to consume me. I realized that for my first semester of college, my whole community and everything I did revolved around Young Life. That was where I was finding my identity.
One thing that I have learned during this difficult season of anticipation is this...
I am worth more than my ministry.
I love Young Life. I love what they stand for and I love the hearts of all who are involved. I love that so many high schoolers have and will be introduced to the gospel because of this amazing organization. I am so grateful that YL taught me to LOVE people so fearlessly and passionately. But I often get caught up in a bubble (a Holy Huddle, if you will) and forget that Young Life does not equal a relationship with the Lord, and neither does Campus Outreach, BCM, or Shandon College Ministry. My desire to minister and love people goes far beyond the community of freshman that just got placed as Young Life leaders, it goes far beyond the high school I could have been placed at, and it goes far beyond the humans that worship next to me on Thursday nights at Shandon. My heart breaks for my friends here at USC. It breaks for every person that sits next to me in my 300 person lecture class. It especially breaks for my sisters in Chi Omega. I so desperately want these people I love to be set free from the heart ache of the world and know the Great Love that is real for every one of us!
I think that the coolest thing about being in college is that I basically get to live with over 4,000 other people. This means that I am quite literally walking through life with these people every day. So why shouldn't I want to be intentional, build relationships, and love them well? I just couldn't justify devoting all of my time to a high school of broken teenagers, when there is a whole campus of broken students yearning to be loved right in front of my face.
Our lives are our ministry.
In one of Jennie Allen's bible studies, she talks about knowing our place. Some people are called to go on mission to Africa, others are called to become pastors. Many times I’ve wondered where I am being called and why it wasn't to be a Young Life leader. Through this decision, I've learned that I have my "own Africa," and it happens to be just outside my own backdoor. USC is "my Africa." The Chi Omega house is "my Africa." It may not be 8500 miles away, and it may not seem as glamorous as traveling across the world, or even as becoming a young life leader. However, I am going to run after it hard. Smiling and screaming the good news every step of the way.
WOW OH WOW, how faithful has the Lord been to me since making this decision!!! He has presented me with so many opportunities to love and minister and find community. I have grown in ways unimaginable and it all came from such an unlikely circumstance. I now know that my relationship with Jesus is not defined by the ministry I am involved in. It's also not defined by how many people I can bring to church with me, or the number of sisters I bring to bible study. My worth and life is defined by the simple fact that I am more flawed in myself than I will ever care to believe, but more loved by my heavenly Father than I could ever even dare to imagine. The most beautiful part is that, this doesn't change regardless of my circumstances. He loves me endlessly even though I can't put "YL Leader" in my Instagram bio!!! Now THAT is a freeing truth to believe!!!
So, stop stressing about where, and how, and with whom you can share the gospel. Live boldly, love others like crazy, and the Lord will give you your own special opportunities to shine.
You are worth more than your ministry.
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